During our recent vacation to Hawaii on Alaska Airlines, I feel like we could have been extras on the set of a film titled, “Babies on a Plane,” as L was probably one of 18 humans under the age of 2.

As far as comportment is concerned, our daughter ended up falling toward the higher (read: well-behaved) end of this sample. In other words: she was a good girl.

On the flight out, her first-ever experience on an airplane, she learned the hard way that excessive squirming on Momma’s lap in coach gets you a bunch of nasty head bonks (which, in turn, lead to excessive crying). On the flight back, during which we used miles to upgrade to first-class, little L redeemed herself by laughing—yes, laughing—for most of the ride.

All the while, Powergirl and I learned a number of valuable lessons about flying with little ones:

• Distractions are the key to a flight without incident. On the way out, we took the Bobo Glove and about a dozen different toys. On the way back, we resorted to Baby Bjorn-ing her up and down the aisle, which she loved.
• (Good-natured) neighbors can be awesome. To Bob, the gentleman who sat next to me in seat 6D on the way to Maui, I give thanks. He was a kind soul, and his moustache gave L something to stare at for at least 45 minutes of the 5-hour flight.
• There is no changing table in the first-class cabin. Yes, sitting in first-class on the way home was great because of the additional leg room and attentive service. But every time we had to change the baby, we had to schlep to the lavatory closest to the aft galley.
• You can never be too neurotic about germs. I admit it, folks, Powergirl and I were that couple who ran wipes over every surface L could possibly touch. With H1N1 out there, we didn’t screw around. And you know what? It worked.
• God damn that loudspeaker. Every time L fell asleep, one of the flight attendants got on the loudspeaker to make some sort of announcement. Without fail, this woke up the baby every time. If you have any suggestions for how to stop this, I’m all ears.

The only other point I’ll make here is that the gall of some parents on airplanes never ceases to amaze me. One mother a few rows back had no qualms about changing her kid’s poopy diaper RIGHT THERE IN THE SEAT. Later in the trip, another mother watched and smiled as her kid waltzed over to L and tried to wake her up from a deep sleep.

This second time, I snapped at the kid with the simple word, “Negative,” then yelled at the mother for letting her monster wander around the cabin unattended.

Since we’re all in this together, I just figured there would be some sort of unspoken code of conduct between us parents traveling with infants. Now, for next time, I know well enough to think twice.

1. Packing for two is easy; packing for two plus an infant is ridiculously challenging. It’s not the clothes she’ll need once we arrive. It’s all the other stuff: diapers, changing pads, sound machine, Baby Bjorn, bottles, formula, toys, assorted creams, etc. Yes, I suppose we could buy duplicates of a bunch of this stuff at the Safeway in Lahaina. But why waste the cash?

2. Is there a cooler word than “lapchild?” I think not. Oh, and another awesome perk of flying with a human under the age of two: strollers and car seats do NOT count toward your checked bag allotment on Alaska Airlines (though even if they did, Powergirl and I would still get by with two apiece because we’re that efficient).

3. The whole germ issue is freaking me out a bit, but the baby has been vaccinated against H1N1 and I’ve got about six little squirty bottles of hand sanitizer. If they made infant-sized SARS masks, I’d think about buying/using one. Luckily, we’ve got bulkhead seats on the way out (and first class on the way back), so our exposure to scary germy people should be kept to a minimum.

4. I am usually a sun whore, but I know this trip will be different (since we’d rather not give the kid skin cancer before she turns 18), and I’m OK with that. Fingers crossed that it’s sunny for at least an hour or so every day when I run.

5. Powergirl, L, and whales are, quite literally, my three favorite things in this life. For the first time ever, I get to have all three in one spot. I can’t think of a better way to end one year and start another, and guarantee there will be no happier man on Maui over the next ten days. Now that is the spirit of Aloha.