Dear sloth:

I’m sure you enjoy your lazy afternoons in the Healdsburg plaza, canoodling on that blanket with your (beefy) man. Your public fondling sessions appear to be so wonderful—so intense—that it’s no wonder you are incapable of paying attention to your adorable three-year-old as she wanders around the park.

With this in mind, allow me to educate you on how she usually spends the time.

First, she torments other little children, running around them in circles and tousling their hair. Next, she runs circles around the fountain atop the concrete barrier designed to prevent park visitors from going in.

Finally, the little vermin (um, I mean, darling) leaps from the aforementioned barrier into the fountain itself, essentially using the public water feature as her own personal pool.

The other day, while your girl splashed in the fountain, she urinated in her pants, announced it to whoever would listen, then proceeded to swim and splash as she had been doing all along (despite the attempts of two appalled German tourists to make her stop).

Ordinarily, I’d say your inability to control this child is your problem and your problem alone. The challenge, however, is that my 14-month-old, who is just starting to express curiosity about other children and the zany things they do, thinks your daughter’s antics are hysterical, and wants nothing more than to witness, encourage and mimic the way your child behaves.

Every time we come to the plaza, my girl and I have a wonderful time until your daughter arrives. Then we head for the car and go home.

Something, dear neighbor, must change.

Because your child is, well, just a child, I hold you entirely responsible for her actions. This letter is the first declaration of my ire; if it falls upon deaf ears, count on a direct confrontation with you and your man-beast (though I fear he may sit on me, I will persevere).

If all else fails, rest assured, I will involve the authorities in this matter, and maybe even the county department of family, youth and children’s services. Oh, and if you’re looking for a nice free pool (with ample deck space for public display of affection, I might add), the number for the Sonoma County Family YMCA is 707.545.9622. Use it. Please. Or else.

Sincerely,
A concerned parent