With a house full of ill humans (as of this writing, all three of us now are ill), I was dispatched today to purchase a new thermometer to help us monitor the baby’s temperature and stay abreast of any fevers.

My spoils: One of those newfangled jobbies that you scan across someone’s forehead like a wand. (Technically, they’re called “temporal scanning thermometers.”)

I know, I know—apparently these kinds of thermometers have been around for years. But considering that I haven’t really needed one since, say, high school, the technology is entirely new to me, and it feels like something straight out of (old-school, Leonard-Nimoy-and-William Shatner-style) Star Trek.

After removing the new toy from its packaging and using it on L (the primary objective), I proceeded to take Powergirl’s temperature approximately six times (at which point she yelled at me, slapped me upside the head, took the thermometer and hid it).

Then I tried it on myself. Eleven times in all.

On none of these occasions did the thermometer register a temperature exceeding 99 degrees. This means that while all of us had slightly elevated temperatures, no Villano was too ill.

At some point, I’m sure the novelty of this new toy will wear off. Until then, however, consider our fevers among the most aggressively monitored this side of the Kaiser Permanente facility in Santa Rosa. If you’d like me to tweet temperature updates, let me know (yes, I’m kidding).