Is there a more torturous tool for babies than the bulb syringe? This device, which oddly (and perhaps frighteningly) resembles a miniature turkey baster, is designed to help parents and other grown-ups get stuff out of baby facial orifices such as the nose and mouth.

Administer it correctly and the thing sucks/slurps/vacuums globules of snot and mucous from your baby’s nose. Screw it up and, well, you just might gouge out your child’s eyeballs.

Unfortunately, I learned these lessons the hard way today; attempting to carry out the doctor’s orders for helping L deal with her cold. Luckily (for everyone involved), I didn’t poke my daughter in the eye.

But I came close, folks. A little too close for comfort. So I’ve sworn off the device forever.

Powergirl played Samwise Gamgee to my Frodo Baggins; stepping up and (somehow) summoning the patience and ingenuity to figure the thing out. I looked on in horror as she stuck the green plastic doohicky into the baby’s nose and suctioned L’s boogers throughout the day. The baby hated the process at first. By dinner, the kid was actually laughing mid-suck.

All this time, I thought I married my wife for her brains, looks and kindness. Now it’s clear I knew she was the one because she could bulb-syringe when I would not. Thank goodness.