I hate onesies
Parenting books like this one and this one are relatively comprehensive about informing expectant parents what they can expect from the first few weeks of being a Mom or Dad. One subject that none of them touch: the onesie.
Yes, you know the onesie—one part t-shirt, one part undies. These little numbers fit the little torso like a regular old tee, but they have a tiny flap of fabric that passes under the crotch and snaps closed between the legs. Admittedly, the suckers are great for facilitating the diaper change – unsnap the snaps, lift up the flap and voila, there’s the poop.
My gripe, however, is that nobody ever tells you how to put the damn things on.
Naturally, at an early stage in the process, the onesie has to go over the baby’s head. For any Dad this can be challenging, but for complete neurotics like me, the task is hell on Earth. How do I know I’m lifting the head in exactly the right place? How do I know I’m not brushing up against that soft spot of L’s little cranium? What if the onesie gets stuck and the kid can’t breathe? I have these panic-stricken thoughts every single time I change (or attempt to change) my baby girl.
This mind-numbing panic caught me by surprise. Somewhere around Day 4, Powergirl was busy harvesting milk (another post for another day) and asked me to change the baby. The onesie came off with minimal cursing (of course I disguised all F-bombs with a sweet voice and a smile). But when I had to get the new onesie back on, I started sweating profusely. Then I froze.
It was a worse choke than the Yankees in the 2004 playoffs. I mean, I just stood there, feeling my face turn beet-red, flailing my arms in a subconscious effort to fly away.
The scene ended when Powergirl came in, gave me the customary (and deserved, at least that day) tongue-lashing and changed the onesie in front of me in about 0.65 seconds. Mission accomplished, I suppose.
Or was it? I watched her change the onesie and marveled at how effortless and almost instinctive it all was. Why can’t it be as easy for us Dads? Why does it seem like fathers just aren’t programmed in that way? Furthermore, why isn’t anyone teaching Dads how to these kinds of things? Why are onesies such a big secret?
Since the fateful day of what we’re calling “The Onesie Incident,” I admit that I have gotten marginally more efficient at clothing L. This morning, I actually managed to change her onesie in less than one minute, and didn’t curse more than twice.
Sometime in the next 12 months, I’m sure I’ll be a onesie whiz, able to change those suckers blind. I just hope it happens before L starts wearing regular clothes.
What makes the onesies the worst is that the head-hole is always too freakin’ small – further contributing to the panic inducing moment when you are trying to pull it over the baby’s face!
Ditto. The one guaranteed moment of crying in every day for our baby is putting the onesie on. Even for mom! When she was real little, we only used the shirts she got at the hospital that button in front (and don’t cover the diaper), so there is no pulling over the head. We were also given one out fit that buttons on the side and under the crotch…. but we’ve just sucked it up otherwise. I’ve heard once they can sit up, it’s a lot easier, cuz you can use both hands to hold open the shirt while putting it on.
Agreed — the ones with buttons or zippers in the front are the easiest. But with the zipper, I always worry about the little metal part poking L in the chin. I am a neurotic freak! Hopefully she will not realize that until she’s old enough to vote.
Gerber makes a great “kimono” with side snaps. Until she can hold her head up, they are the best things ever!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! As a veteran mama, I loved this post, Matt. My babies lived in onesies, so I can appreciate your struggle. Hilarious buddy.
All of the ones with have with zippers have a little snap that goes over the little metal part so that it stays down and doesn’t poke her in the chin.
I’m a new mom, and I hate onesies too! Zippered sleep-n-plays are the best for my winter baby. Anything that opens all the way down the front is better than anything that goes over the head!